This and That

Just took a DNA test. Found out I'm 100% me and always will be.

This'll be something like a dump. Whatever I am working on or whatever I find interesting will just go here.

Might start listening to Pokemon Black and White music. Haven't touched that game in years but I don't have the heart to delete my old save files. Saw a reel that implied that Black and White is retro now. Yeah, that's not helping me fall asleep. I haven't listened to the music from it since I played it as a kid but the first song I booted up hit me like a truck. I gotta compile a playlist of all the nostalgic music from my childhood games. Too bad Nintendo makes that so difficult and will send a death-sqaud to your house if you try to work around it.

On that note: is it still embarrassing to admit you play videogames? I have never condifidentally admitted it to anyone and you essentially have to waterboard it out of me. I feel so stupid saying the title of any game I have ever played. I just say Minecraft and that ends the conversation until I feel more comfortable talking about it. How am I supposed to say any game I like without sounding like a loser. Yeah I played Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. And while we're at it, let me get on top of this table and start helicoptering my dick in public. You like Animal Crossing? Do you want a lolipop, too? Whenever a conversation regarding videogames comes up when I'm talking to people in public I feel like spit is frothing around my lips. I went to some bar with a friend group that I was not part of and this one guy started talking to me about Battlefield I. I fucking love that game. I had a few drinks and I showed him my Steam library. I was feeling confident until I looked around and noticed I was in the presence of people that I tried my best to convince to like me and that I was some academic. Then the guy told me he thought Far Cry 2 was the best in the series (it is) and my illusion faded. That same feeling came back and I felt like I was frothing at the lips.

Would you rather be a cowboy, a pirate, or a samurai? This question pops up occasionally on my feed. Two of those are the worst jobs in human history and the other is landed gentry.

Blue collar guys talk about World War 3 like, "I'm a corn fed American, I could rip a Chinese soldier in half with my bare hands," like they don't eat the same reheated, watery spaghetti everday after work and smoke camel crushes.

Why do people bring their cold brews to class in GLASS mason jars? Aren't you afraid you'll drop it? Imagine shattering glass in a lecture room. Who do you go to about that? If I had more mason jars, I would be putting them to much better use then putting my coffee in it. I'll write that on my list: more mason jars.

Knowing that it was your last trick-or-treat and then the next year handing out candy and realizing how short trick-or-treat always was is one of life's greatest one-two punches.

As of writing this, I am 21 years old with less than a month until I'm 22. The tradgedy behind being 21 is that I really hate drinking now. Don't get me wrong, I really like going out to house parties and bars with friends but I am beginning to dread drinking. It has to do mainly with my hang-overs. I went to a house party last night and had a great time with friends but today I feel practically incapacitated. When I was a freshman, I could go out and drink until I passed out and wake up feeling great. Nowadays, my hand coordination plummets after a night out, I get this weird feeling in my chest, and I am horribly sleepy but can't actually go to sleep. Writing this is a struggle.

Alright, lets see what day is it. Feb 10th at 11:41. By the time I'm done writing this It'll be the eleventh so keep that in mind. Anyways, I'm not doing whimsy anymore. For awhile, I was trying to be more whimsical because I thought it would make me feel better about myself and make me more confident. Part of it had to do with the fact that I thought girls would like me better if I was more whimsical but I'm just going to abandon the whole thing because I think they like me enough. Also I think I'm fine being me. There's stuff to change, obviously, like I need to work out and eat better, but personality-wise I'm okay.

I went to an antique store the other day. A massive complex of just bullshit. It was beautiful. I got an old LIFE magazine for 3 bucks. I really do just like wandering around in that place. I don't usually buy anything and I've been there maybe 5 or 6 times before. There's all sorts of knick-knacks and doo-dads that will make you stop and ponder for a little while.

College is coming to an end and despite everyone's reassurance, I feel like my life is going to be over. I don't care what people say, for once in my life, I'm going to enter a world of no assignments, no essays, no discussion posts, no teachers and no professors. So I'm sitting here, 2nd floor of the Memorial Library, weighed down by a sense of regret and dread. I told myself that I would stop being so envious this year but there is a reason it is a seven deadly sin. I went to UW-Milwaukee my first year of school, decided that I hated it, and then transfered to UW-Madison the next year. And I'm proud of it. I'm proud of myself for being UW-Madison material and being on dean's list every semester I've been here. Even though I hated UW-Milwaukee, it was great. Everyone around me seemed so timid and scared of being out of Highschool and I felt like I belonged. At the end of the day, I am a timid and scared person. I am unsure and afraid of my future. I am afraid of what people may say about me. I am unsure about everything I do. UW-Milwaukee was comfortable to me because I was in the same boat as everyone. Then I came to UW-Madison. I was put into dorms as a sophormore with freshman who believed they were top of the world. It felt like a mad race to put everyone down in order to feel better about oneself. Even as a senior, I still feel that with people around me.
But I look back at my time at UW-Milwaukee and I have this horrible, crawling feeling that I abandoned it. "Maybe if I stayed there, I would have learned to like it." That's the nostalgia kicking in. Everyone that I was friends with dropped out or transfered after I left. I loved my friends at UW-Milwaukee. I loved Kaesin, I loved David, I loved Hayden, and I loved Chris. They were all so nice to me. But then I transferred. I stopped talking to them. Maybe I'll send a voice message to David once and awhile, I'll see Kaesin at Mifflin, but, fuck, I don't talk to them anymore and it makes my eyes sting thinking about them. I even have a friend that I met at UW-Milwaukee who transfered to UW-Madison and I barely talk to him. I have friends here at UW-Madison, friends that care about me. But me transfering here snubbed away a whole group of people that I could imagine talking to for the rest of my life. I envy people's friend groups. God, it makes my heart scrunch up because I legitamitly believe that I could have had that. I'll see people with a whole troop of friends who met eachother all in freshman year. I'm just some stupid fuck who can't keep in contact with the people I care about.
I miss the friends I had freshman year, I miss the friends I had who I fell out of contact with, I even miss the friends that I theoretically could've had.
So, yeah, college is coming to an end. What a ride. I wonder who is going to be on my wedding party.