Movies
“Fortunately, people are drawn to slight imperfections rather than outright flawlessness.”
- a Snowman from Animal Crossing
Yep, it's me again. Sometimes when I like a movie enough, I want to talk about it. But I watch bad movies that I find on Tubi and no one knows what I'm talking about. The evil corporate overlords keep taking my streaming services away from me. Instead of being involved in the cultural zeitgeist of Stranger Things and gay hockey romances, I am watching sword and sandal flicks on free streaming services.
These are going to be some pretty obscure movies. I'll provide where I watched them, a really quick review, and whether or not it is worth a watch (many wont)
Quick note before you look through this: Tubi is the Mecca of historical war dramas. Nowadays, Hollywood seems to focus on like 4 wars. Those are WW1, WW2, Vietnam, and the War on Terror (I'm just clumping them together). Tubi has all of the movies that take place during colonial periods of Africa and Asia. They are all about the same: White man shows up and wins. If you want to watch a war movie that isn't just the same shit recommended to you by an average history buff, go on Tubi. They got movies on the Korean War, Crimean War, the Sudan War, and so many movies set in North Africa I can't even begin to write them down. They are all not good, they are mediocre at best. If you are interested in how people in history percieved conflicts from the past, this is the gold mine. I think watching some of these movies with this in mind is valuable enough.
Streaming Servive: Tubi
Suprisingly good for what I was expecting. May actually post a more indepth analysis on it later if I'm up for it.
Worth a Watch
Streaming Service: Tubi?
Hilariosly stupid. Found this from a Youtube video explaining Evangelical Christian's attachment to Zionism. Even though it's a "sequel," it's actually a retelling. The first one is just genuinely bad but with Megiddo 2, production cost is notably more expensive and its bat-shit crazy.
Worth a watch
Streaming Service: Tubi
The amount of things thrown during fights in this movie is very funny. The main character's American accent sticks out like a sore thumb. I have never seen such a creative execution device, but it doesn't justify watching the movie.
I liked it but I wouldn't encourage others to watch it
Streaming Service: I don't remember
My Anthro professor drove me home for some reason and it was getting really quiet and awkward so I asked him for movie recommendations lmao. He gave me this and "Dead Birds." Probably shouldn't have said that to this old, tenured professor but he seemed to appreciate it. Oh wait. This is supposed to be about the movie. It's good! It's gritty and thrilling.
Check it out
Streaming Service: Tubi
Oh God it's so boring. There is a medieval firing squad? Like they line this guy up against a wall and shoot him with bows. Can't exactly confirm that's how they did it back in the day. As far as I'm concerned this is the only time I've seen it done. I don't know how to describe it but it's just a boring king arthur/robin hood wannabe flick that offers nothing.
Don't torture yourself
Streaming Service: Tubi
I walked into this one hoping it was going to be aggregiously dated. I mean, it's an old movie but nothing about it will make you raise your eyebrows.
Do you really want to watch a biblical epic?
Streaming Service: Might have watched this one on Youtube
Oh my God watch this. It's like every shitty marvel movie and 300 put together. There is a reason you never heard of it and that's why is beautiful. Everything about it sucks but this is what I strive for.
A must watch.
Streaming Service: Tubi
Do not listen to the advice of a Youtube comment section. If you are like me and your Youtube feed is only history related, this movie will be recommended to you. There is a song that has become a "cult classic," and it's just a song about how these colonial powers put down the Boxer Rebellion of 1899-1901. It's a song that a 15 year old boy would think goes really hard. It's an old historical drama set in China and it's exactly what you expect
It's a no for me
Theater
Nothing is sacred anymore. People say that this movie was hilariously bad, but I didn't even think it was that. I am under the impression that they said "We don't need to make this movie good if we purposely make it so bad it's funny." I know when a movie is trying to be so bad it's funny. The internet loves a bad movie. To the point that bad movies get more press than the actual good ones. They knew that people would go see a Minecraft movie no matter what, but instead of actually treating respectively they pulled down their pants and shat on it. Jack Black ruins everything he touches. Jack Black single handedly ruined my most nostalgic song because he decided to make a obnoxiously bad cover. They don't even focus on the things that makes Minecraft memorable. They didn't build a fucking house. Do you know how important that is? It's simply a mockery. Furthermore, in the words of Logan Paul "I don't want to come across like a woke asshole but like dude..." the women have no role. That was shocking to me. There's this whole scene where the guys go into a woodland mansion and fight there way out of it, only to cut to the women (who built a house off screne, mind you) nurturing and caring for them. Am I weird for interpreting it like that? They made them homebodies. I went with my girlfriend at the time and I brought that up to her after the movie and she was shocked I even had the thouhgt, but there has to be some validity to it, right? I've been playing Minecraft forever so I know every joke and meme made about it. One meme is basically just putting players in a "role." One's the adventurer, one's the builder, one's the miner, and the other is just a house-wife. Anyway, might be over thinking this one.
Nothing is sacred and they hate you.
Streaming Service: Must of been Youtube
I don't get it because this movie might be considered a "classic?" I thought it wasn't good. I felt at some points in the film that the actors forgot their lines and decided to badly improv it.
Sean Connery plays a Middle Eastern man. So... Well, actually, I'll let that convince you to watch it or not.
Streaming Service: Plex (No, I've never heard of it either) Double wammy review! Plex: if you are going to berate me with ads, please show me something other than Tide. Apocalypse Now: until next time. Hopefully on Blu-Ray.
Streaming Service: My roommate had it on when I walked in. I think I watched this, Apocalypse Now, and an episode of West Wing all in the span of 24 hours. Martin Sheen overload. Give this a shot.
Fuck, I love everything about this movie. All time favorite, I'm sure. But holy shit I need to buy this in Blu-Ray or something. I swear I watched this on Netflix before but obviously Netflix doesn't have it anymore (and I don't have Netflix anymore) so that means its on Amazon for rent and purchase. Why the fuck would I buy a movie on my TV? Thank God it's on Plex though! If I haven't made it clear so far, I rewatched this. More importantly, I wanted to show it to my roommate but the viewing experience was just awful. Every 20 minutes (mind you this is a three hour movie) there is a 2 minute long ad that is either 1) detergent 2) dish soap or 3) pubic razors. This is a slow burn movie. Coppolla wants you to see every ripple of the Mekong and every swoosh of smoke and then right when something is actually about to happen -- Boom, please buy Dawn dish soap. I don't know what Plex is. I don't know who owns Plex. I might never watch anything on Plex ever again. But Apocalypse Now, I GUESS, is on Plex. So yes, I am now in the market for a second hand copy of Apocalypse Now on any format other then a fucking streaming service... Okay, phew, maybe I should say something about the movie. This might sound strange but I compare Apocalypse Now to The Wizard of Oz. They are both journeys that are made up of what seem like sets. Each scene seems like a self contained world in completely different dimensions but they all come together to form one cohesive story. Each scene seems like it has been going on for an eternity before Dorthy or Captain Willard ever showed up. The Air Cav have always been on the move, the Strawman has been hanging for decades, the soldiers in that one night fight have been fighting for an eternity, and the Tin-man has been rusted for years and has been cutting down trees for longer. But most importantly, these movies completely trump their source material. I don't give a fuck about the Oz book series. The movie IS the Wizard of OZ. Look, I'm sure Heart of Darkness is a gripping tale of the horrors of the Belgian Congo, but the colors and the emotion from the actors and the stiffling enviroment that you can just feel does exactly what Heart of Darkness set out to do, but does it better. The movie format just does these two books better.
Suprisingly charming and funny. Fuck, maybe my roommate does watch good movies. One of those "Americana" movies that feels like your lying on a woman's chest while she gently plays with your hair and whispers softly, "It's okay, 9/11 hasn't happened yet. You can go back to sleep."